WHAT IT WAS, WAS A ROAD RACE

Dale Wilkerson                                                  June 2011


What if the character that Andy Griffith portrayed in “What it was; Was Football,” had attended his first car race at Infineon Motor Speedway? It might have sounded something like this:
Now it was that I went out to California to study on how it is that you grow good grapes. I did.
And while it was that I was there, I left my hotel room to fetch some breakfast when a whole raft of folks came charging down the hall wall towards the front door.
There was nothing I could do but go with them as it was I just got caught up with them as it was they was a moving pretty fast.


I was put on a bus with a bunch of folks wearing shirts what had names and pictures of cars on them, they did. It seemed as if these folks had planned for a picnic because it was that they all every one of them had a picnic basket of some sort in their hand or on an old overalls gallous draped across one shoulder.
As I was studying on where it was they were heading to one fellow slapped me on the back and said, “Buddy have I drank!!” I looked at him and said “I believe I would have another big grape.”
Now what it was that he handed me may have looked grape but it sure wasn’t juice. It had more kick than my grandpappy’s old mule. I reckon it was what you call high performance grape juice.
Now we rode up a hill and there it was a walking track what had benches around a bout in different spots. This path went up hill and downhill, around some sharps curves. So it was that I thought everybody was going to walk up that great big hill, look for a shade tree and have a picnic and maybe stop and rest on one of those benches along the way.


Then it was that I noticed a whole bunches full of automobiles what were all colored up with bright paint, names all over them, and numbers upon the doors. It wasn’t long before this fellow walked out onto a platform a holding a bottle of the high performance grape juice. That fellow commenced to shout out names and there was 43 men what had on coveralls what matched those 43 cars. Apparently some of these fellows weren’t too nice because it was a bunch of folks booing them like it was they were at the rasslin’ matches.
After a word of prayer and the National Anthem all of these fellows crawled in through the windows because it was that somebody had stole their door handles. It looked like they took their windows too because they all put a fishnet up to try to keeps bugs out of their car with them.
After that fellow yelled for all of them to start their engines, everybody yelled because it got real loud and then this pretty little police car led them down a short road what led to the big road that went up to the top of yonder hill. They were revving up the engines pretty loud and I don’t think they had a muffler betwixt them.
This little fellow went up a ladder to fancy looking deer stand and he commenced waving flags as the cars drove by and then he waved one finger at them and the police car turned off the lights. I reckon that everybody liked that pretty good because they all yelled again, they did.
That next time around it was that the little police car drove into the middle off the walking path and parked over behind a wall like he was getting ready to want on speeders.
That little fellow handed a green flag to this other person what came up the ladder with him and he waved it in front of the cars and it was like waving red in front of a bull.
Them guys pushed on one another, ran into one another, spun one another out and I don’t know what all! If one of the cars had a flat tire, they would pull onto that little road and a whole pile of mechanics would put four new tires on it. I didn’t see anybody get paid for those tires so I guess they all had an account with the fillings station.
A few times it was that a car was so tore up the fellow could not drive it back, so one of them mechanics would get in a tow truck and go get him. That fellow on the deer stand would wave flags again and away they would go, each time pounding on one another worse that any fight I had ever seen.
Once they slowed down after that fellow in the deer stand waved a flag what looked like a picnic blanket I figured out what it was they was a doing.
It was some sort of a contest to where the person what didn’t get wrecked, breakdown, or get bumped out of the way would get to drink some of that high performance grape juice!! But maybe next time maybe let the police keep that bottle in the truck of his pretty little patrol car, because them fellows drive like it was they had already popped the cork, they did.